The Chaos in my Mind

I've been utterly lost of late, as if though my mind is on cruise control with an unknown destination. I'm alive, but I'm not feeling anything...as if I'm in deep sleep paralysis. Some days I get these tiny bursts of energy that re-awaken my soul, but they only last for a mere few moments, and then I go back into a state of numbness. It feels as though inside my brain there is a giant concrete wall that build itself to create a division. To one side lie my thoughts, feelings, emotions, inspiration and creativity, and to other side a dead, lifeless routine that is my current reality. When I begin to ponder about it and try to understand it, my brain doesn't want to cooperate and I get an overwhelming feeling of stuckness...stuck in my own misery, guided by my Ego who is using one trick after another to fog up my path a little bit more everyday. A feeling of hopelessness, unworthiness and powerlessness constantly looms over my head as if it is trying to hold my head steady so I can pay 100% attention to it. The minute I allow myself to shake them off, I feel as though, thoughts, good ones are flowing through my head again. I want these good ones to stay, ingrain themselves in my mind, become the blanket that lays over my Ego and puts it to sleep....forever.

Each day is a constant battle to break down this giant concrete wall, in order to lift and rise from my own misery...to move forward, to make my reality something better...something guided by passion, love, dedication, and an awareness of how can I help to be of service to others...to ultimately live out my purpose, the reason why I am.

Although I'm not yet sure of my purpose, but something from within tells me to write, write everything that my mind dictates to my hand...in there somewhere lies my purpose...that is slowly awakening from its somber sleep to a state of realization and action. To perform the daily action of what truly makes me feel alive, as each cell in my body works harmoniously together to become this big ball of energy guided by spirit, and spirit only.